Picture a volleyball game between two people, where the ball is friendship. At some point somebody picks up the ball of friendship and serves an invitation to connect. This begins a natural volley of connections. Every time someone hits the ball back, a connection is made. In the friendship game, score isn’t calculated on misses, but on connections. A longer volley means a better friendship. The more intense the friendship game gets, the more real and deep the friendship becomes.
Now I understand that to use a volleyball game analogy for friendship might be a stretch, and I don’t think it’s a perfect analogy in any sense of the word. However, I do think it often describes what we feel when we are pursuing friendships. Sometimes the friendship game lasts a long time, and sometimes the game comes to a halt rather quickly. It is often based on circumstances or location. At times, there just isn’t a connection. Whether we realize it or not, we are playing the friendship game all the time.
The truth is we can’t be real friends with everyone (although I guess you could be Facebook friends with everyone). A real friendship requires both parties to engage, to volley the ball back and forth. A real friendship requires connection. In a real friendship, if you drop the ball (for whatever reason), then you pick the ball up and keep playing.
I’ve had friends that I’ve known for quite a long time. Due to different life circumstances, we often don’t stay in touch as much as we would like. I could be tempted to think that our friendship game is over. However, when we re-connect, the ball gets picked up right where we left off. And suddenly, the time apart is non-existent. I love having friends that extend grace to me and to our friendship. I cherish the fact that even though our lives don’t intersect often, I know I could always count on them.
But what happens when you have a friend who has not only dropped the ball, they’ve quit the game. This can leave you on the court wondering what is going on. Are they coming back? Do we just need to delay the game for a bit? Maybe if we play in a different space we will get a better game going.
I’ve been in this situation before – emotionally standing on the court, serving balls across the net hoping that suddenly I would see a ball coming back in return. We had a good volley going for quite sometime. We had been through a lot together. At first I thought she just needed space or time. I even asked her if she wanted to continue the friendship. The ball then went back and forth a few times, each time with longer and longer pauses. Then suddenly I sent the ball over and it never came back. I waited and waited. I realized not only was the ball not coming back, but I was the only one on the court.
For a while I wondered, what happened? What changed? The truth is . . . I may never know.
I was talking to a friend who found herself in a similar situation with what was once her “best friend.” As we were talking I found myself telling her, “It’s like she broke up with you and is now dating someone else, and you are left wondering “What happened? Why can’t we just be friends?” And then I said, “She’s just not that into you.” And it struck me, I had been feeling rejected from my own loss of a friendship. Here we were grieving and feeling rejected, all the while the friends that we were missing had moved on. They chose to quit the friendship game, and we were the ones confused and feeling misunderstood.
It’s a harsh reality we often face with people, sometimes they just aren’t that into us anymore. Maybe it is circumstances or natural growth in different directions or maybe even someone’s fault that is the tipping point. At some point though, we have to recognize that the game has been called.
As I stood on the friendship court alone wondering what to do, I realized the resolve I was wanting she couldn’t give me, but He could.
God was giving me a choice. I could take it personally and be hurt or I could seek His comfort and His peace, by seeking His friendship.
Now when I feel like I’m standing alone, I realize that He is the one waiting for me. God is always wanting to connect. All I have to do is look up and play ball.
How have you dealt with the loss of a friendship?
{Photo credit istockphoto}
Kristy Chowning
Kristy Chowning is a mom of three little miracles. She is co-founder of Grace for Moms, a homemaker, and a 'retired' nurse practitioner.
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Kristy, great blog. This has happened to me…being left on the court alone…and I love your perspective. God is always there with us and many relationships are only seasonal. Thanks for sharing. Jenevieve
You know I love this perspective friend. We’ve had this conversation countless times. It’s so sad to realize but I believe if we are passionate about people then our time and energy is too valuable to waste on people that have moved on. So glad you finally shared this wisdom friend!
Jessica Wolstenholm recently posted..What To Do When The Little Ones Are Sick. . .Again
I found myself in this situation with one friend this past year. At times I’ve been sad, angry, hurt, confused, but your words are wise, and sometimes it’s best to just move on and be thankful for the friendship that we once had. Who knows? God may choose to open that friendship again someday, but He may not. We live through different seasons, and we can be thankful for all!
Beth recently posted..More … Connections
Oh man, yes. Or friendships that take an uncomfortable turn so that it’s no longer a fun game of back and forth, but rather simply just a competition. Thanks for the reminder to “look up and play ball.” So often my knee-jerk reaction is to pick up the phone to talk about it with someone else, rather than talking to God and getting real comfort.
Very wise words. And so comforting, as I am in this situation right now. It hurts. It’s uncomfortable. It is so hard to forgive that person, even though I know I have to in order to move on for myself. I know I have to look up! God is always there, even if every single one of my friends would leave me….
Thank you for sharing this.