Stress

3 Ways to Find Grace for Your Marriage in Parenthood

Once you have kids, romantic sex becomes frantic sex—meaning you try to have sex quickly while the kids are asleep, occupied or at grandma’s house. I heard someone say this recently and could not stop laughing. There is so much about parenthood people do not share with you when you are preparing to have a child. Most people only tell you about the good parts—the beautiful baby, the snuggling and the tiny clothes. There is so much more they leave out. SO. MUCH.

Parenthood is a marathon in many respects. My old pastor, Dr. Hunter, used to say that children drain you physically when they are young, emotionally as teenagers and spiritually as young adults. Parenting is EXHAUSTING…yet wonderful. Parenthood stretches us individually and as couples, placing unique pressures on our marriages that did not exist before we had children. How we handle these pressures as husbands and wives directly affects our marriages. When I married my husband, I had I Corinthians 13:7 inscribed on the inside of his wedding band. It states, “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” So much of marriage AND parenthood is “bearing and enduring” in love. When things go bad we long for God to rescue us, make things better or send light in the darkness. But, what if instead, we tried to patiently endure, as Christ, Paul, Abraham and so many others did and let God meet us IN the darkness and sustain us there, before we gaze upon the light.

Phillipians 4:13 says, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” God will bring us through whatever he brings us to. Sometimes we just have to endure in hope. These past few weeks have been particularly stressful at my house due to multiple sicknesses and long hours for me at home alone with the kids while my hubby works overtime. During this season I have found three things that continue to sustain me when parenthood tries to pull at my sanity.

1) Pray for each other and with each other. Hold hands or hug each other before you go your separate ways for the day. Ask him what is ahead of him and pray exactly what you would want him to pray for you if you were facing the same challenges. Ask him to pray for you and then continue to pray for one another throughout the day.

2) Say what you need to say in the way you should say it and ask for what you need. I maintain that you can say just about anything IF you say it in the right way. Start your sentences with “I feel…” or “I really need help with this.” Keep a calm tone. Do not share your feelings if you are angry, frustrated or short-tempered. Wait until you have cooled off. Finally, make your needs known. There is no way your spouse can know your feelings or needs if you do not share them. Be specific about what you need.

3) As said before, “bear and endure.” Sometimes you both are going to come to the end of your ropes at the same time. Sometimes one of you will need more support than the other. Sometimes you will have sickness in your house for days on end. Sometimes you will cry alone in the bathroom while your kids are going crazy and pray for God to help you. Life is messy. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Endure in patient hope, knowing that God sees everything you are facing and will bring you through one way or another. Believe the promise of Psalm 34:17, “The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

How about you? What kind of things are you enduring right now? Are you simply asking God to bring you into the light, or are you letting him sustain you in the darkness? How do you and your spouse handle the pressure parenthood places on marriage?

{Photo Credit}

Jenevieve Wardell

Jenevieve lives in Charlotte with her husband Randy and two children, Isaac and Hope. She is a licensed mental health counselor who practiced for five years, and now writes for a monthly psychotherapy blog. She is currently a stay-at-home mom who is learning to embrace grace in a whole new way.

Filed Under: Baby, Blog, Faith, Family, Home, Marriage, Motherhood Tagged With: Baby, Bible Study, Bible Teaching, Encouragement, Expectations, Faith, Family, Grace, Intentionality, Jesus, Kids, Love, Marriage, Motherhood, Parenting, Perspective, Prayer, Relationships, Stress, Tips

5 Things to Do When You Pray and Nothing Changes

By Jenevieve Wardell 8 Comments

It has been going on for two years. This problem my husband and I have. It is a problem that affects both of us and yet was caused by neither one of us.

We have spent plenty of time and money trying to solve this problem, but the thing we have done most is pray. And yet, nothing has changed. At least not yet.

I have prayed countless prayers asking God to make this problem go away and yet in his great sovereignty God is keeping silent on the issue. At this point, I have no inclination from Him that anything is going to change. But, I keep believing .

My faith ebbs and flows, though mostly flows because I have come to realize two major truths during this season of tears, frustration, hope and disappointment. The first is that as I look back over the course of my life, God has always come through for me. I don’t mean that things have always turned out the way I wanted or thought I needed them to. I mean, God has always been there for me no matter what happened in my life and I know he always will be.

In Hebrews 13:5 God says, “I will never leave you or forsake you.”

Second, I have decided that when “life happens” to me—the bad parts—I am going to try and first decide who I want to be and then act. What I mean is this. When the situation is over, I want to look back and feel good about who I was during the process. Because that is what really counts, right? How we act when things don’t go our way. That is our opportunity to prove to ourselves and others how great our love and trust in God really are. These are the moments that shape our character, build our trust and make us more like Jesus.

Isaiah 53:3 says, “He (Jesus) was a man of sorrows, familiar with suffering.”

During this season, as I remember God’s faithfulness and am mindful of my response, there are a few other practices that help me—things that may benefit you when faced with a difficult life season.

1) Keep praying. Pray often. If you are married, pray with your husband. And, ask a few people you are close to and trust to pray for you.

2) Quote scripture. Find scriptures that relate to your issue and write them on index cards. Then place them around the house so you can read them throughout the day.

3) Have a team mindset. Whether your problem is personal, your husband’s or both of yours equally it can be easy to forget that you are on the same team. Stress can cause people to isolate themselves, argue or even lash out. Remember that you are on the same team fighting for the same thing—each others’ physical, spiritual and emotional well-being. It is also helpful to remember that God is on your team. He is for you and not against you.

4) Count your blessings. My great grandmother did this to alleviate worry. Think about the most difficult seasons of your life and how God brought you through. This reminds you of his faithfulness and builds your trust.

5) Ask for help. If you are feeling overwhelmed, depressed or anxious and prayer does not seem to be enough, seek professional help. Speak with a counselor or doctor to see what treatment options may assist you.

How about you? Have you been praying for something and nothing seems to change? How are you responding to the silence? What are you doing to remain hopeful? Will you one day look back and be pleased with your response to this season of your life?

Jenevieve Wardell

Filed Under: Blog, Faith, Family, Marriage Tagged With: Bible Study, Bible Teaching, Faith, Perspective, Prayer, Stress, Trust

5 Ways {besides a spa vacay} to Take Care of Yourself

By Jessica Wolstenholm 2 Comments

We are wrapping up our Family Focus series today. We’ve shared about volleying the serve in our marriages and lavishing love on our kids. Today I am excited to address our need to talk care of ourselves as well. So grab a cup of coffee, find a quiet corner of your house and join me as we ask the Lord to speak to us about how to appropriately focus on self in the midst of our crazy days.

I know what you are thinking. . .I, too didn’t know whether to swoon or curse when I saw this photo. I’d love {almost} more than anything to be there right.this.very.minute. But alas, I am sitting in my kitchen, ignoring piles of laundry while I wait for the baby to wake up at any moment. Yeah, I’m not going here any time soon. But humor me. Imagine for a few minutes that you are there. Laying on that wonderful massage table – the one on the left. And your best friend – she’s on the right. You are both waiting for 90 minutes of complete massage perfection.

Are you still with me? Great. So there you are on the beach, with your BFF. The kids are back home – far, far away – with your husband or perhaps your in-laws. You haven’t a care in the world as you lie there, with tension and stress being rubbed out of every limb. Your biggest concern is whether or not you will be sore that evening as you and your bestie enjoy a decadent dinner on the beach complete with fresh seafood {if you like that sort of thing} and wine {if you like that sort of thing}. Now this is how you take care of yourself.

OK, time to get back to reality. Did you enjoy your little trip? I know I did. Wouldn’t it be amazing to be able to do something like this once a year? A care-free retreat for our body and soul. Perhaps some of you are able to do it. I personally try to do a girls weekend once a year but it’s not usually this luxurious {although, if you are reading BFF’s – and you know who you are – let’s rethink our weekend shopping sprees, k?!}.

Sure, a yearly trip as luxurious as the one we imagined earlier would likely recharge our souls, slough off the dead skin in our lives and energize us to go, go, go for the next 12 months before we could schedule our next spa weekend. But for those of us who do not have the resources to take such extravagant “care” of ourselves, I believe there is another way. This is not one of those posts that tries to convince you that reading the bible every day is like a retreat for your soul, comparable to the aforementioned beach spa trip. That’s just laughable {I believe the Lord knows my heart on this and is not planning now to strike me the next time he sends lightening to earth}.

As God-knowing and God-loving people, we need more than a mere 90 minute massage on the beach to care for ourselves. No, really. We do. As much as you’d like to believe that a vacation, sans kids would do it, it won’t. It would be a temporary fix to an ongoing problem. Now, don’t get me wrong. I completely support and encourage every mom to take a trip like this one. But don’t focus your eyes so firmly on the big event that you miss out on opportunities to care for yourself throughout the rest of the year.

I believe we need cumulative care moms. 24/7. 365. Body and soul. Now, before I go any further, a little disclaimer. I don’t have this all figured out. I’m in the process of learning what this means for me. But I felt led to encourage you as I go through this process to find out what it means for you.

“A heart at peace gives life to the body. . .” Proverbs 14:30

“. . .seek peace and pursue it.” Psalm 34:14

5 Ways I Can Take Constant Care of Myself:

Read. The Bible. A fascinating novel. A challenging theological study. A classic piece of literature. Whatever will get your brain going and feed your soul on a regular basis, read it. {Although it’s not the only thing we can read, I believe the Bible is the most important thing we can read to take care of ourselves.}
Write. Keep a journal or blog. Write poetry, a song or short story. Anything that puts pen to paper {and I believe real paper does the heart good} to express yourself. Get it out. Get it all out. Bottled up emotion, frustration or even creativity will wreak havoc on your soul.
Eat. For some this might mean eating better, most of the time. For others it might mean cheating every now and then. Eat often for health and sometimes for pleasure as you seek to find the balance you need in your life.
Move. We all know this is true. So this is merely a reminder for me and for you. Find a way to do something everyday that takes care of your temple. If you workout regularly, I’m sure you can attest to how much it helps you find balance for your self. Put on your favorite music and dance around with your kids. Even if you simply sit, stretch and do breathing exercises for 5 minutes every morning, it will do wonders for your body and soul.
Go. Whether it’s a yearly girls trip, a monthly girl’s night out or a weekly coffee shop retreat, you need time for YOU. Do them all for heaven’s sake. Sometimes go by yourself. Sometimes go with girlfriends. As long as your company does not require you to take them to the potty, going and doing will excite and energize you.

How about you? What ways have you found to take care of yourself on a regular basis?

{Photo courtesy of Creative Commons}

Jessica Wolstenholm

Jessica Wolstenholm is co-founder of Grace for Moms. She is passionate about writing words of grace for moms and moms-to-be. Co-author of The Pregnancy Companion book, she also blogs about TTC, infertility & pregnancy at ThePregnancyCompanion.com

How To Walk With Your Kids Through A Difficult Time

By Elisabeth Corcoran 1 Comment

My family is going through a difficult time right now. Well, better put, I’ve made some choices that are affecting my children. They seem to be weathering things okay but they also could be little codependents just putting on an act so I don’t feel guilty. Only time will tell.

But one thing I’m trying to get through my thick head is that I, as Mom, apparently set the emotional tenor of my home, as do you, sweet fellow mothers. “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy” rings truer than any of us mamas want to admit. I don’t want to believe that my mood affects anyone but me, but it completely does, especially my kids.

If I drag myself around in a funk each and every day (not saying that I am, but if I hypothetically were to…), my kids are going to pay for it. Not only will they suffer from a weary mom who doesn’t want to do stuff, but the fun factor goes down drastically, my irritability goes through the roof, and they may have the propensity to take on some of my dreary characteristics.

Now, I’m not saying simply to sweep everything under the rug and suck it up if in fact you are going through a hard stretch of life, or even if you’re having one of those days. But I am saying, please don’t let it take over your life (this last sentence was me speaking straight to myself). And I am saying, do some things to take charge of your emotional health.

Here are just a few tips:

Seek counseling. There’s no shame in getting a third party involved to help you process through your situation.
Spend time with your friends. Time with my girls is a highlight for me in this dark season.
Eat a little better, move a little more, sleep a little longer. In other words, take better care of yourself physically.
Plan something fun to do with your kids.
Plan something fun to do alone.
Remind yourself that you are the mother, that God placed you in charge of your sweet children. For their sake, he wants you to confidently lead them through the hard times and teach them how to do it.

But my number one tip is this…spend time with Jesus. Only He knows all the details. Only He will never leave you. Only He can heal your soul. Only He will love you no matter what crisis, sin or failure sweeps into your life. Only Jesus.

Through all of this, I have been praying at night with my kids that God will pour out his healing, strength and joy over our home and into our family. My kids know that we’re going through a hard time – and they’re of the age that it’s appropriate for them to know that – so it’s of utter importance to me that they see that I am in fact hurting but that I’m doing everything I can to get my healing and comfort from God.

I heard someone say recently that our parents just wanted to give us a better life than they had and we just want to give our children a better life than we had. I’m not sure I agree. There is almost nothing I can do to shield my children from future pain because life is filled with pain. So because of that, the best thing I can do for them is model how to walk through the fire…and that’s holding on to the hand of the One who will walk me, and them, through anything.

Friends, have you had to walk with your children through a difficult time? What ways did you find to lead them well through the fire?

{Photo Courtesy of Creative Commons}

Elisabeth Corcoran

Elisabeth is mom to two teenagers. She is the author of several books including, In Search of Calm: Renewal for a Mother’s Heart and Calm in My Chaos: Encouragement for a Mom’s Weary Soul. Learn more about Elisabeth at www.elisabethcorcoran.com.

I Had a Bad Day

By Dr. Heather Rupe 9 Comments

“Here’s your dinner.” I said, with as much enthusiasm as I could muster, as I sat a plate of corn and hamburger helper in front of my 2 year old.

“No, want bisa-keen!” he screamed. (interpretation: want ice cream!)

“You can have ice cream after dinner, sweetie. Eat your corn. You love corn.” I replied in my best mom voice.

“No! No! No! No corn!” he said violently shaking his adorable little head back and forth.

A tantrum ensued. To his toddler brain, it was a huge injustice that he couldn’t eat ice cream for dinner.

I sighed and secretly wondered if the recent grandparent visit was responsible for this outburst, or if he was just being ‘spirited.’

I was exhausted. Of all the days, I really didn’t need this that night. After spending most of the night before at the hospital delivering a baby, my precious 3 hours of sleep were interrupted by a 4 am ‘emergency phone call’ concerning a yeast infection. I cringed as I thought of my less than empathic response that I had for the caller. I vowed to do better next time.

Office hours had not gone well either. My first 2 patients of the day were both 20 minutes late. This left me sitting around twiddling my thumbs for 30 minutes, then frantically playing catch up the rest of the day.

Now I found myself begging my toddler to eat corn. Doctor life looks much more glamorous on TV.

After dinner, nothing would make him happy, so I decided to go for the holy grail of toddler fun: the bubble bath. Just the words bubble bath will make him giggle and run to the tub. Sure enough, he was delighted.

I put him in my huge master tub, which has the air jets he loves. I felt my sore muscles ache as I picked him up to put him in. I’ll enjoy my own soak later, I thought.

As I cranked the jets, the bubbles grew almost to overflowing, as did his giggles.

I sat down in my bone tired state. And then I almost had a ‘moment’. You know, one of those precious moments you wish you could freeze in time where your heart warms with love and your cheeks begin to ache from smiling. Almost.

But before I could have this moment, I bent to kiss him. As I leaned forward, I noticed that the water was a little brown.

Hmm, he must be really dirty today.

On closer inspection, the water was not just brown. It was chunky.

He had pooped in the tub…with the JETS ON. He was swimming in POOP SOUP.

As a doctor and mom I have been in some disgusting situations, but watching my son play in raw sewage, had me gagging.

So much for the Hallmark moment.

I pulled him out, wrapped him in a towel and scrubbed him off in a different tub, extremely thankful in that moment that I had another bathroom.

“I poop, Momma. I poop!” He kept saying, so very proud of himself in the way that only a two year can be.

“Yes, honey, you did.” I said shaking my head. I had to laugh. Really? What else could I do.

My angelic husband helped me clean out the tub and then I bleached it, twice. Careful research on our tub revealed the the air only flows one way, so thankfully it wasn’t ruined.

Despite the two scrubbings, the idea of soaking in that tub later was out of the question.

After the kiddos were finally tucked in, I sat on the deck with my hubby and enjoyed a nice Zinfandel.

Yes, it was a crappy day. I wasn’t proud of snapping at a patient at 4 am. However, I did manage to survive a mega-tantrum and poop swim without losing my temper, so that counts as a parenting success, right?

Some days are more about survival than excellence. Days like this help me learn to be thankful for the smoother times (and good husbands).

Not all days are filled with Hallmark moments but all are filled with grace.

Have you had a bad day recently? What thoughts {or types of wine} have helped you get through it?

Dr. Heather Rupe

Dr. Rupe is a mom, wife and OB/GYN. She is the co-author of The Pregnancy Companion book and blogs at www.ThePregnancyCompanion.com. Her heart is to help guide women through as peaceful a pregnancy as possible. In her spare time she loves to run and laugh whenever she can.